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I'm better, but not there yet.
I'm in the in-between.

I can function without losing my head,
But I still feel the pull of you.
You are a magnet to me-
Your presence interferes with my compass.

You cannot be my North.

But it makes me happy that you are there -
Feeling that you care.

I care too.
Still too much.

I need more time to calibrate - to hone my skills
Before I can tolerate your magnetism without collapsing
Or getting completely lost.

Crazy Cat Lady

I'm not quite there yet, but I see the allure.

Soft, silky, warm and purring
These creatures bring me so much solace.

The one - affectionate.  In my lap constantly
Demanding a chin rub and then
So grateful to get it.

The other - more reserved, more selective.
When she deigns to approach
It is with bright eyes and sweet face
And I feel I've really earned something.

Both keep me tethered with their physicality
Their need to be fed, watered, scooped, adored.

Each is unapologetically herself.
Uncompromising.

You can learn much about boundaries
Watching a cat.

How to warn the encroacher with a low growl.
How to escape the interloper with a hiss and a scamper.
How to enforce the limits with tooth or claw if necessary.

And once balance is restored,
All is forgiven.

"You may pet me again."

Neither/Nor

February 10, 2015

I am neither done nor undone.
My desire was for the pain and longing to end.
To be done.
But that's not entirely accurate.
To be done is to close the book, put the pen down, and walk away.



I thought I was undone.

Unable to move forward: stuck, broken, defective.
But that's not true either.
To be undone is to cease progress
To remove the wheels from the bus and just collapse on the side of the road.



I am neither of these.
Not done nor undone.
My journey is incomplete and ongoing.
There is still much to learn, much to see, much to feel.
And so I roll on.

Bread & Water

February 3, 2015

In the shower this morning, I noticed something strange. I was singing my little shower song - the first time in months. When I got to the end, I looked down and noticed - pieces of me, just... missing.

How did I lose chunks of myself?

And then I remembered. It was from our failed communion.

You were hungry, so I tried to feed you. In the absence of bread, I gave you my body. A pound of flesh here, a pound of flesh there. But that couldn't satisfy your hunger - and it was wasted.

You were thirsty. The tears poured out of me - enough to fill the canteens of a platoon of soldiers, but the saltiness could not quench your thirst. They spilled to the ground instead.

I would have fed myself to you to save you from starving, but I couldn't achieve transubstantiation.

My body isn't bread.
My tears aren't water.
And love isn't a prison sentence.

Sleepwalker

February 2, 2015

I was asleep when you came into my life. Not like Sleeping Beauty - who docilely waited for her prince. No. I was a sleepwalker - moving constantly forward, but without purpose. Going through the motions, but completely unaware.

See, a sleepwalker just accepts what's put in front of her. She doesn't question. Doesn't make demands. A sleepwalker can't make decisions about the direction she goes in. She goes one way until she bumps into something, and then shuffles off in another direction. Sleepwalkers are aimless wanderers.

I was asleep when you found me, and you awakened me - but not with a kiss.

It was with cold water and a shake that you pulled me out of my slumber. And I loved you for it. So happy to have my eyes open, I forgave the manner.

But you didn't have to be so rough.
I was a light sleeper and was ready to be awakened.
And once I was roused, I didn't need to be doused with that frigid water continually.


I'm fully awake now. You can stop shaking me.

Superpower

January 31, 2015

If words are my superpower,
I think the world may be in trouble.

I've been wielding them for weeks now
And the universe remains untouched.

Could it be that I'm not the hero of the story?

Damsel In Distress

January 31, 2015

I've been thinking like a damsel in distress-
Waiting for her dashing White Knight
To find his way to her tower.

I've passed the time well enough -
Industriously, productively.

But I'm still locked up.

I am a starting to think that the White Knight
Is not coming.
He's busy saving himself -
Which is as it should be.

So how do I get out of this tower?
There doesn't seem to be a door and the ladder fell down long ago.

I guess I have to jump and hope for the best.
Maybe the moat is deep enough.

Or maybe, just maybe, I will fly.

Progress

January 22, 2015

I dreamed you contacted me. Your name popped on my phone as the text alert pinged. My heart leapt, upon seeing your name. Sad to admit, but even now, I still half expect to see it every time my phone squawks, but this time it really was there!

As I began to collect my thoughts to reply, you called. As the phone rang in my hand, all I could think was "Not yet! I'm not ready yet!"

I took it as a good sign.

I have moved past the "anything to have you back" phase. I even think I've passed through the "make the best of a bad situation" period. I'm not "just biding my time" or "in a holding pattern" anymore. I'm living my life. Making new friends. Trying new things.

I'm optimistic.

Any day now, I expect I will be able to shop at Target without wanting to cry. Maybe soon, I will be able to buy contact lens solution at Harris Teeter without thinking of the giddiness that first night night together. And maybe, just maybe, one day I will be able to enter Wake County without the dull aching pain of your absence.

Someday.

But not yet.

I'm not ready yet.

Staring Down Stupid Phone

January 29, 2015

Stupid Phone used to be my friend. She and I would commune for hours because she connected me to you. Back then, she was seldom silent. From rising until sleep, she was my constant companion - delivering your messages faithfully.

Even when romance was shelved, she delivered your voice - wry and earnest - to me every day. Without fail.

These days, the bitch has turned on me. There is no friendly buzz at the beginning of the day. She sits stubbornly silent as I trudge through the work day. And at night. At night, she stares me down - defiantly silent.

"You know what to do to make me speak again," Stupid Phone seems to taunt. And I am tempted. But I know there is no satisfaction with that. It's just an empty promise of hers. Because while she can deliver a shadow of you, she can't bring back the version who loved me. And if I can't have that, I will accept no consolation prize.

So I show you my love with silence - space - time, just as you showed me yours by speaking up. Stupid Phone doesn't understand love, sacrifice, service. She only knows NOW - want - have.

I thought she was my ally, but she is a false one.

"I can give you what you desire," Stupid Phone whispers. She doesn't care about my well-being or yours. She tempts me with what it is I think I want.

But it is her silence that we both need.