Progress

January 22, 2015

I dreamed you contacted me. Your name popped on my phone as the text alert pinged. My heart leapt, upon seeing your name. Sad to admit, but even now, I still half expect to see it every time my phone squawks, but this time it really was there!

As I began to collect my thoughts to reply, you called. As the phone rang in my hand, all I could think was "Not yet! I'm not ready yet!"

I took it as a good sign.

I have moved past the "anything to have you back" phase. I even think I've passed through the "make the best of a bad situation" period. I'm not "just biding my time" or "in a holding pattern" anymore. I'm living my life. Making new friends. Trying new things.

I'm optimistic.

Any day now, I expect I will be able to shop at Target without wanting to cry. Maybe soon, I will be able to buy contact lens solution at Harris Teeter without thinking of the giddiness that first night night together. And maybe, just maybe, one day I will be able to enter Wake County without the dull aching pain of your absence.

Someday.

But not yet.

I'm not ready yet.

Staring Down Stupid Phone

January 29, 2015

Stupid Phone used to be my friend. She and I would commune for hours because she connected me to you. Back then, she was seldom silent. From rising until sleep, she was my constant companion - delivering your messages faithfully.

Even when romance was shelved, she delivered your voice - wry and earnest - to me every day. Without fail.

These days, the bitch has turned on me. There is no friendly buzz at the beginning of the day. She sits stubbornly silent as I trudge through the work day. And at night. At night, she stares me down - defiantly silent.

"You know what to do to make me speak again," Stupid Phone seems to taunt. And I am tempted. But I know there is no satisfaction with that. It's just an empty promise of hers. Because while she can deliver a shadow of you, she can't bring back the version who loved me. And if I can't have that, I will accept no consolation prize.

So I show you my love with silence - space - time, just as you showed me yours by speaking up. Stupid Phone doesn't understand love, sacrifice, service. She only knows NOW - want - have.

I thought she was my ally, but she is a false one.

"I can give you what you desire," Stupid Phone whispers. She doesn't care about my well-being or yours. She tempts me with what it is I think I want.

But it is her silence that we both need.

Defying Gravity

The Broadway show Wicked is in town this month, and I have tickets to see it.  It wasn't my original plan, but I am planning to take The Girl to see it.  She's quite the budding diva - and I've been playing the songs her entire life.  So even though she's a wee bit on the young side, we are going to have a Mommy-Daughter date.

To say she is excited is a tremendous understatement.

In preparation, she and I have been listening to the soundtrack non-stop.  Our current favorite song is the show stopper "Defying Gravity."  We've listened to it about 80 times in the last week or so, and I'm happy to report that I can almost get through it without tearing up now.  Now, I can hear you saying, What doesn't make Rhonda tear up these days?  To which I reply, "Not a whole lot, thankyouverymuch, and I ain't ashamed of it."

Why is it that this song strikes such a cord with me?  Like so many of the songs that have popped up on my playlist lately (see the iTunes Divination entry for further detail on my theory of this), this song has the feel of an anthem of independence.  It beautifully captures the heart swelling possibility, the elation, and the pride in taking a leap on your own, but it also hints at the danger and the menace one feels by taking such a step.  It's not an easy or effortless thing to do, but it's exhilarating to try.  Give it a listen and see if you agree:

Something has changed within me. Something is not the same,
I'm though with playing by the rules of Someone else's games.
Too late for second guessing.  Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits, Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change but 'till I Try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love it comes Too much to high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

So if you care to find me Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo, At least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me, Take a message back from me 

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown! 

And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

 It's that second verse that gets me every time.  I'm through accepting limits/ 'cause someone says they're so./Some things I cannot change/ but 'til I try, I'll never know.  That certainty and defiance are so admirable.  She's breaking out of the role someone cast her in long ago.  But it's the next bot that really resonates with me:

Too long I've been afraid of/ losing love I guess I've lost./ Well if that's love/ it comes at much too high a cost...  As a woman who has spent the better part of 40 years being afraid of losing love - either from colleagues, peers, friends or lovers - I  can tell you that the cost of that mindset is very, very high.  In fact, if one isn't too careful, it will bleed you dry before you know it.  So the moment when one realizes that 1.) it's probably already a lost cause if you have to hold on desperately for it  and 2) something you have to cling to for dear life just to keep isn't worth the cost it's incredibly liberating.  It can feel like soaring.

The gravity of expectation and obligation is strong, and when one finds a way to break free and defy that pull, that is cause for celebration indeed.

A Good Wallow

Today was an improvement at 44 degrees when I headed out.  I'd been feeling mellow all day, and then in the early afternoon, a big heavy fog settled on my mood.  The waterworks started, and I knew it was time for a good wallow.  In the past, this would have equated me crawling into my bed with something chocolately.  But, not today!  Today, I wallowed with a run.  A short one, because I had places to go tonight, but I got out there.

On Today's Playlist
Today's was a shuffle selection from my "A Good Wallow" playlist:
1, Shake it Out by Florence + the Machine
2. Samson by Regina Spektor
3. The Only Exception by Paramore
4. The Scientist by Coldplay
5. Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow (more on this later)
6. I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Featured Lyrics from Today's Playlist
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone.
It's always darkest before the dawn-from Shake It Out

On My Mind Today
I usually think of Sheryl Crow as my spirit guide, but today, I found myself arguing with her.  At issue were these lines from Strong Enough:
Lie to me.  I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave.

Wait. WHAT?!

Sheryl, my goddess of badassery.  My muse of butt kicking.  What the hell is this?
I started to get a little pissed.  I had been quoting this song for years - and pretty heavily recently. Could it be that this was not what I had imagined it to be?  I started to get a little huffy at ol' Sheryl.  When I think of self-aware and with-it females, her name comes high up on the list.  How could this come from her?  But really, what person hasn't been there?  How can I blamree Sheryl for capturing what it feels like to try to hold on to something that just isn't right?  Hell, I've been doing that for months.  So I can't get too mad at her.  And at least she was honest with herself - even if she was willing to just accept what she wanted to hear from her man.  So kudos to her for telling it like it sometimes is.

Not that I agree that that's the best way to live, but at least it's real.

I rewrote the lyrics in my head:
Tell me the truth.  That's all I want from you.
Tell me the truth, and go if you have to.

And then I knew.

I am sad, and I feel the loss of something important.  But I'm not broken.  I'm not believing what I want to believe.  I'm not lying to myself.  Not anymore.

This is excellent news.

This Girl Is On Fire

It's a lovely 34 degrees here in beautiful Durham, NC.  In my defense, I didn't realize the temperature had dropped so much when I decided to go for a run.  And by the time I figured it out, I was all dressed.  And you KNOW, once you're dressed... you have to go.

Tonight's run was a short one - just 2.1 miles around the neighborhood.  That's fine by me, because it was [insert your favorite cliche about cold weather] here.  

On Today's Playlist:
Today was a shuffle play selection from my "Over It" playlist.
1. Good by Better than Ezra
2. It Ain't That Bad by Melissa Etheridge
3. Girl on Fire by Alicia Keyes
4. Dogs Days are Over by Florence + the Machine
5. Lose Yourself by Eminem
6. Take My Number by Melissa Etheridge



Featured Lyrics from Today's Playlist:

Looks like a girl, but she's aflame.

So bright, she can burn your eyes, better look the other way.

You can try, but you'll never forget her name

She on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say...

-from Girl on Fire

On My Mind Today:
It's been a rough few weeks here, and I've definitely been struggling.  Like many people, when up against resistance and struggle, I often doubt myself.  I start to wonder Am I making the right decision?  Do I have the strength and wisdom to handle this?  And many times, I will hedge - try to play it safe and minimize my risks.

By now, I should know that never works.

So today, I took a big risk, put all my cards on the table, and laid it all on  the line.  I have know idea if the risk will pay off - and actually, whether it does or not kind of doesn't matter.  That's not the point at all.

By taking that risk, I placed a bet on me.  And THAT always pays out - big time.

A New Season Begins!

It's Spring!  The days are getting longer, if not much warmer.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing... And it's time for me to get my ass moving again.  

In fairness, I did do a bit of running during the Winter.  There were a smattering of early morning or weekend runs here and there.  I did manage to complete the Tar Heel 10 Miler in April. But I mostly took the time off.  

I realized belatedly that in my post Ramblin' Rose euphoria  I had signed up to do an early April half.  That did not happen.  Luckily, I was able to defer that registration to the Fall race.  October 6, I will be doing my second half marathon - the Run Raleigh Half.  

So now I have a target and a deadline.  Time to get cracking.

This year I officially joined the Raleigh Galloway Running club.  I really like the approach of this group - it's very chill, and the run-walk-run interval training works really well for my novice runner body and my achy creaky hips, ankles and feet.  For more information about the Galloway run-walk-run method, check this out.

For the kickoff event this past weekend, Mr. Jeff Galloway himself made an appearance.  This is a guy who has been running for years and years - runs more marathons that I go to religious services, and has coached nearly a million runners (directly and indirectly).  And yet, the way he spoke about running made it feel like anyone could do the things he has.  I found that to be quite inspiring.  

As I embark on the new season, I have experience behind me that says I can do it.  Now I'm ready to see that I can do it - even better, faster, more efficiently and without lapsing.  Let's get to it!


-rfk

The Big Day! Ramblin' Rose Half Marathon - October 21, 2013

On Sunday, I competed my first half marathon!  It was quite an experience - with a ridiculously hilly course.  http://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/fullscreen/107243007/

 There were about 1500 participants, so of course the line for the port-a-potties was super long.  It was a nice chance for a photo op, though!  Note my pink sparkle skirt.  That was a special purchase for this race, though I'm thinking it's going to make many more appearances!  

We were one of the last folks to get started, but that was ok with us.  The weather was perfect; a crisp fall morning. warming up to a pleasant 70 degrees.  The sun had that golden glow that only seems to happen on October mornings.   Here's one of those ridiculous hills.  

I wish I could say this was the worst of them.  Unfortunately, that would not be accurate.  I also wish I could say that once we got past the halfway mark it got easier, but these hills came in miles 8-13.  I really think someone was trying to kill us!

Coming into the home stretch, I felt so happy and relieved.  I thought that I'd experienced all the surprises this race had to offer.  But as I approached the finish, I heard a pair of little voices yell, "Go Mommy!  Go!"  The Boy and The Girl came running out to cross the finish line with me.  Considering that I didn't think they would be there, that was THE highlight of the race.  (I take back all the junk I was talking about the Husband in the last few weeks.)  Final race time was 2:51:42.  

The end of the race was a blur.  My dear friend Karen was there cheering me on, and there were many photos. 

 On the whole this was an amazing experience.  I never dreamed I would be posting about finishing a

half marathon.  It has been such an incredible journey, and the best part about it is all the support I've gotten from my Facebook folks.  So many people have mentioned following my progress and offered encouragement.  It really kept me going, and I'm sincerely grateful for all the love you've shown.

And the journey's not over...  I just signed up for RunRaleigh on April 14, 2013.  I'm going to work on picking up speed, and finally making it to my goal weight.  Stay tuned!  There are more adventures to come.