I've been thinking a lot this week about parenting. It's probably the toughest job there is, and there are so many varied ways to mess it up! With my kids, I find I'm always asking myself: Am I being too harsh? Do I expect too much? Working with middle school kids has skewed my perception of "normal behavior." (For the record, the most "normal" behavior for an adolescent is completely abnormal to the rest of humanity...) How much of the bad behavior I see in my children can be chalked up to "kids will be kids" and how much of it is just plain brattiness? I want my kids to be good people, you see. To realize they are not the center of the universe, and to consider the needs of others as well as themselves. But what happens when you go the other way? When you have a child who you are convinced can do no wrong? Isn't that just as bad as being too strict?
In my line of work, I meet many, many different kinds of parents. The most perplexing breed of parent for me is the enabler. Those are the parents who will defend their child's every action, explain away every incident as the fault of someone else. And I can't help but wonder about the motivation of these parents. Do they really, honestly think that people are coming together to conspire against their precious little one? Do they not see trends and patterns and stop to ask themselves What is the common denominator in all of this?
As I struggle to understand where these parents are coming from, I take a long hard look at my own parenting style. When someone (usually in a school setting) informs me of my child's inappropriate behavior, I'm inclined to believe it because I have met my child! I know he (and she) are capable of some pretty mischievous behavior. And I seriously doubt any of the people in my children's lives have the extra time to spend concocting schemes to get my children in trouble. However, I wonder if I don't scold too quickly, and don't take the time to hear my child's side of the story. I guess that's because having known my fair share of kids, I know that they tend to enhance and edit the truth. I usually assume that the adults are going to be honest about events.
But what about the kids who grow up with parents like this? What kinds of lessons are they learning? I can't imagine they are good ones about taking responsibility for one's actions or treating others the way you want to be treated. And what happens when little Johnny gets himself into a situation that Mama and Daddy can't talk him out of? What happens then? I worry for those kids. Won't growing up without limits give the wrong impression about the world? Can't getting away with murder as a kid can lead one to believe that one is above the law as an adult? It seems to me that when a kid pushes and test, he needs to find boundaries. I think those things make a child feel safe and secure, and help him know what is expected of him. So when the limit does not exist, isn't it the child who suffers?
I want to understand the motivation here. Anyone out there have any words of wisdom?
The older I get and the more parenting years I've accumulated, I find myself moving more and more toward the "don't coodle/enforce the rules of behavior" end of the spectrum. I feel like I was too lax with Aaron overall, and now I need to "fix that" by being more strict with Daniel and Caroline. It's a constant balancing act, though. Fortunately, we agree on most things in this area. I do want them to have a keen awareness of the feelings and needs of others, and that's just going to take a lot of work and persistence on our parts. Callie's at a particularly difficult age but Daniel's coachable right now, at least I think so.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the "why do parents act as such bad enablers for their kids," that is a tough one. My educated guess is that those parents have a very largest investment of their own self-esteem and pride in their children. They need to see themselves as very high fucntioning, capable adults, and any flaw in their children reflects very poorly on them. Therefore, such flaws don't exist. They must know intellectually that something is amiss, but there's an emotional override circuit -- they cannot acknowledge the flaw or bad incident because it means they have gone wrong somehow.
There's a related tendency for such parents to let the kids run the show. My question to them would be "who's running your household, anyway?" Risking disapproval from the child seems to be a very scary prospect and therefore a parent will go to great lengths to avoid confrontation. A humorously extreme example would be the Dursleys in Harry Potter, with their precious son Dudley. Anyone looking in at that family can clearly see the disaster in the making, but the parents clearly cannot see the big picture of the child's development.
I admire your willingness to put yourself "in the fray" of these kids' lives each day.
You go, Glen Coco.
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