A Certain Kind of Sadness

By nature, I am an optimist.  I tend to be able to smile through most trouble, see the best in a situation, expect things to work out ok in the end.  Most people who know me would describe me as cheerful too.  It's just the way I'm wired.  It takes way more energy for me to be sullen than it does to smile and be happy.

It's this innate cheeriness that causes a lot of trouble for me.  Unlike many of my friends, I am genuinely surprised when someone screws me over or does something really despicable.  I never see it coming!  Now, I admit that as I've gotten older and more experienced, I have started to catch on a little sooner, but I'm still really flummoxed when it happens.

Despite my cheerfulness and naivete, I am a bit prone to melancholy.  Not the deep dark pits of despair brought on by an actual depression; it's what people used to describe as "the blues."  Just a tendency to think a little bit too much about the stuff that we can't control or the inclination to poke at that sore spot - just to see if it still hurts.

When I get myself settled into a good mope, it can go on for days until I launch my "get over yourself" sequence.  Usually that involves some peppy upbeat music, a large amount of physical activity, usually a cleaning out or rearranging of my working or living space, and a ferocious bout of cooking or baking.  Usually after that, it's all good.

Except lately.

I seem to have gotten myself tangled in a loop of melancholy.  Like a CD with a skip in it, I play thorough just fine until I hit a spot and don't go any further.  Stuck.  That's a really bad feeling, because I know what's on the other side.  I know how much better I feel once all this has been process, put in it's place and worked through.  And I just can't seem to get there.

I've been on a quest to put my finger on the cause, and on this morning's run, I think I may have found it.


I have a friend who once told me if you talk about something and you feel the sting of tears, you need to pay attention to it.  Well, I can't listen to this song without sobbing.

My grandmother is currently suffering from Alzheimer's disease.  She's been lost to me for about 5 years and some change, as the song says.  And while I don't consciously think about it every day - the rawness of missing her coupled with the confusion of the fact that she is still physically here is just overwhelming.

And that's the kind of sadness that a happy playlist can't seem to overcome.