Defying Gravity

The Broadway show Wicked is in town this month, and I have tickets to see it.  It wasn't my original plan, but I am planning to take The Girl to see it.  She's quite the budding diva - and I've been playing the songs her entire life.  So even though she's a wee bit on the young side, we are going to have a Mommy-Daughter date.

To say she is excited is a tremendous understatement.

In preparation, she and I have been listening to the soundtrack non-stop.  Our current favorite song is the show stopper "Defying Gravity."  We've listened to it about 80 times in the last week or so, and I'm happy to report that I can almost get through it without tearing up now.  Now, I can hear you saying, What doesn't make Rhonda tear up these days?  To which I reply, "Not a whole lot, thankyouverymuch, and I ain't ashamed of it."

Why is it that this song strikes such a cord with me?  Like so many of the songs that have popped up on my playlist lately (see the iTunes Divination entry for further detail on my theory of this), this song has the feel of an anthem of independence.  It beautifully captures the heart swelling possibility, the elation, and the pride in taking a leap on your own, but it also hints at the danger and the menace one feels by taking such a step.  It's not an easy or effortless thing to do, but it's exhilarating to try.  Give it a listen and see if you agree:

Something has changed within me. Something is not the same,
I'm though with playing by the rules of Someone else's games.
Too late for second guessing.  Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits, Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change but 'till I Try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love it comes Too much to high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

So if you care to find me Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo, At least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me, Take a message back from me 

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown! 

And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

 It's that second verse that gets me every time.  I'm through accepting limits/ 'cause someone says they're so./Some things I cannot change/ but 'til I try, I'll never know.  That certainty and defiance are so admirable.  She's breaking out of the role someone cast her in long ago.  But it's the next bot that really resonates with me:

Too long I've been afraid of/ losing love I guess I've lost./ Well if that's love/ it comes at much too high a cost...  As a woman who has spent the better part of 40 years being afraid of losing love - either from colleagues, peers, friends or lovers - I  can tell you that the cost of that mindset is very, very high.  In fact, if one isn't too careful, it will bleed you dry before you know it.  So the moment when one realizes that 1.) it's probably already a lost cause if you have to hold on desperately for it  and 2) something you have to cling to for dear life just to keep isn't worth the cost it's incredibly liberating.  It can feel like soaring.

The gravity of expectation and obligation is strong, and when one finds a way to break free and defy that pull, that is cause for celebration indeed.

A Good Wallow

Today was an improvement at 44 degrees when I headed out.  I'd been feeling mellow all day, and then in the early afternoon, a big heavy fog settled on my mood.  The waterworks started, and I knew it was time for a good wallow.  In the past, this would have equated me crawling into my bed with something chocolately.  But, not today!  Today, I wallowed with a run.  A short one, because I had places to go tonight, but I got out there.

On Today's Playlist
Today's was a shuffle selection from my "A Good Wallow" playlist:
1, Shake it Out by Florence + the Machine
2. Samson by Regina Spektor
3. The Only Exception by Paramore
4. The Scientist by Coldplay
5. Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow (more on this later)
6. I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

Featured Lyrics from Today's Playlist
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone.
It's always darkest before the dawn-from Shake It Out

On My Mind Today
I usually think of Sheryl Crow as my spirit guide, but today, I found myself arguing with her.  At issue were these lines from Strong Enough:
Lie to me.  I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave.

Wait. WHAT?!

Sheryl, my goddess of badassery.  My muse of butt kicking.  What the hell is this?
I started to get a little pissed.  I had been quoting this song for years - and pretty heavily recently. Could it be that this was not what I had imagined it to be?  I started to get a little huffy at ol' Sheryl.  When I think of self-aware and with-it females, her name comes high up on the list.  How could this come from her?  But really, what person hasn't been there?  How can I blamree Sheryl for capturing what it feels like to try to hold on to something that just isn't right?  Hell, I've been doing that for months.  So I can't get too mad at her.  And at least she was honest with herself - even if she was willing to just accept what she wanted to hear from her man.  So kudos to her for telling it like it sometimes is.

Not that I agree that that's the best way to live, but at least it's real.

I rewrote the lyrics in my head:
Tell me the truth.  That's all I want from you.
Tell me the truth, and go if you have to.

And then I knew.

I am sad, and I feel the loss of something important.  But I'm not broken.  I'm not believing what I want to believe.  I'm not lying to myself.  Not anymore.

This is excellent news.

This Girl Is On Fire

It's a lovely 34 degrees here in beautiful Durham, NC.  In my defense, I didn't realize the temperature had dropped so much when I decided to go for a run.  And by the time I figured it out, I was all dressed.  And you KNOW, once you're dressed... you have to go.

Tonight's run was a short one - just 2.1 miles around the neighborhood.  That's fine by me, because it was [insert your favorite cliche about cold weather] here.  

On Today's Playlist:
Today was a shuffle play selection from my "Over It" playlist.
1. Good by Better than Ezra
2. It Ain't That Bad by Melissa Etheridge
3. Girl on Fire by Alicia Keyes
4. Dogs Days are Over by Florence + the Machine
5. Lose Yourself by Eminem
6. Take My Number by Melissa Etheridge



Featured Lyrics from Today's Playlist:

Looks like a girl, but she's aflame.

So bright, she can burn your eyes, better look the other way.

You can try, but you'll never forget her name

She on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say...

-from Girl on Fire

On My Mind Today:
It's been a rough few weeks here, and I've definitely been struggling.  Like many people, when up against resistance and struggle, I often doubt myself.  I start to wonder Am I making the right decision?  Do I have the strength and wisdom to handle this?  And many times, I will hedge - try to play it safe and minimize my risks.

By now, I should know that never works.

So today, I took a big risk, put all my cards on the table, and laid it all on  the line.  I have know idea if the risk will pay off - and actually, whether it does or not kind of doesn't matter.  That's not the point at all.

By taking that risk, I placed a bet on me.  And THAT always pays out - big time.