Who am I and How did I get here?

So I'm having Bariatric surgery.  I've told a few friends and co-workers about my choice, but on the whole I've kept the decision to myself.  My reasoning for this is multi-faceted.  Most of the reactions I've gotten are along the lines of "Wow, I didn't think you were big enough for that."  I guess I should be thankful for that.  After all, I'm tall with a long torso, so I carry my weight well. But the truth is I am 5' 8.5" tall and as of today, I weigh 300 pounds.  For those of you keeping track, that's a BMI of 45.6 - Extremely Obese.

Putting those numbers down and publishing them is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.  My weight has been a subject of guilt and shame for as long as I can remember.  My overeating has been done mostly in secret - alone or at least out of view.  Those closest to me have seen some indication of these secret binges, but on the whole I have been very careful about hiding.  Like any good addict, I always found a way to feel the need inside.

But lately I've been probing into the reasons why I've behaved like this for so long.  I'm no slouch.  I'm a bright and competent person.  I intellectually understand what it takes to reach and maintain a healthy weight.  And I've been successful in the past, losing about 35-40 pounds on several occasions.  But every time I reach a certain point - usually my first major goal - I completely lose it.  It is as if I fear success, and getting too close to it is cause for panic.

Instead of taking a good hard look at the issues that were developing under the surface, I buried myself in other responsibilities.  I chose a career that is completely absorbing, got married young, started a family, took on extra responsibilities in my work and faith communities, and pursued every advanced degree, certification and course of study I could.  Anything to keep myself too busy to ponder why I never seemed to be able to control my eating habits.  This way, when I failed (as I inevitably do) I can say it's because I was too busy.  I didn't really put all my energy into it because I had so much else going on.  Blah, blah, blah.

So this year, I am vowing that my health and well being will be my top priority.  I have resigned from my additional duties; I am going to keep my work commitments to those that can only be completed during work hours.  I am vowing to set up boundaries and stick to them.  I am putting myself first.  This is going to take some practice, but if I don't get a handle on this RIGHT NOW, I am going to end up at 600 pounds and unable to leave my house.  No thank you.

Now, I just have to devise a plan.  That's next.