Ugly Truths

February 5, 2015

I am forcing myself to feel every drop of this. All i want to do is make it stop - to distract myself. To find another person, action, project, anything to take my attention away from the sting of this.   But I will not. I will take the full brunt of it. Shielded by nothing. Distracted by nothing.

I will not be beaten by this.

I have been allowing myself to cling to hope, the glimmer of possibility, the promise of the future. But that is gone. There is only the bitterness of this. The pain and the disappointment and the harsh truth that you are done with me.

I admit, I thought this was temporary. I believed it was a hiatus and not a finale. I thought "see you on the flip side" was code for "see you later, alligator."  

And I struggled with that. Estrangement was tough, but at least there was the hope.

Only now, with the absence of that hope, do I realize how heavily I was relying on it. Now faced with this ugly truth, I can barely stand it.  

But I will. I will face it - head on. I will not run from it. I will not hide from it. I will not deny it.

Because while the crush of rejection hurts deeply, I know it will pass. Every day will be a little better, until one day you'll just be a memory.

It is hard to admit that you don't want me. But that doesn't mean I am unwantable. 

And just because you don't love me, doesn't mean I am unlovable.
It doesn't.
It does not.

I will not let it.

I will not become bitter. I will not shut down my heart. I will not retreat into myself and hide away from the world.  

No matter how much I want to.

I never loved anyone the way I loved you.  I've never hurt the way I hurt now.  And I will feel. every. pang until it is completely done.  And then... then? 

 A new day will begin.